You're Still God

Sometimes the days feel like weeks, and this was one of those days. This morning we laid Mom to rest. It still does not seem real. She was so full of life just a short while ago. Cancer is cruel.

I did not know how I was going to feel today at the cemetery. It is just so final. It still felt like I was living in a dream. This was something so far from my mind, that at times I have difficulty believing that we are living this. But, I find solace in knowing that although she is no longer there in body, she is now in the presence of Jesus and very much alive. If only I could see what she is seeing now! If only I could experience what she is experiencing now! It is too much for my finite mind to comprehend.

I felt the Lord holding me and strengthening me again throughout this tough morning. I know that any strength that I have felt in this journey has been solely due to Jesus. I am so very weak, and because of that, I am totally dependant on God. I know my limitations and I know my weaknesses. In my flesh, I would not be able to handle this at all. To be honest, there have been many times over the past few weeks that fear has tried to take a hold of me. When that happens, it tries to manifest physically — I start to feel like I can't breathe, I get a little nauseous, and my mind races with horrible, uncontrollable thoughts. But in those moments, I am reminded of the passage of scripture in II Corinthians 10:4,5: “For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ.” I then quote that verse in my mind (or out loud), which helps to stop those thoughts. I ask the Lord to cover me and take those thoughts away, and it is only then that I begin to feel His strength once again holding me up. It is a constant battle in the mind.

It is so easy to ask why. As human beings, we are always looking for a reason or an answer to our trials and suffering. There must be a reason for this! But as Dad said today, "Answers don't always help you. Answers don't always heal. Only the presence of Jesus does."

My pain is there regardless of an answer as to why it happened or not. I don't need a reason, I need Jesus. He is my Healer, no matter the circumstance that I find myself in. Our hearts have been shattered into a million pieces and Dad said it best a couple of days ago…that only Jesus can take those shattered pieces of our hearts and heal them, piece by piece, one day at a time.

There are different ways that the Lord has used to help bring His healing touch in my life. One of those ways is through music. Someone shared a song with us over this past week that has brought much healing to me. It is called, “You’re Still God” by Philippa Hanna. The song starts with, “When all foundations have been shaken, when I'm left standing in the dark, and all I feel is my heart breaking, You still reign and You're still God.” Dad’s favourite line in the song is, “And fix my eyes upon You Jesus, for You are God and I am not.” We have played this song over and over and it has been soothing to our hearts.

I can't blame God for what happened to Mom. How can I? How can I get angry when He has been so good to me? I don't understand His ways, but I do know this. He's still God and I am not.