Worth It All

A lot can happen in a month. Just a few short weeks ago, I was shopping with Mom in Florida. Then November 11th happened. We had no idea that day when Mom went to the hospital that she would not be coming home.

Today was a hard day. Anniversaries of this nature are tough. One month ago Mom entered the hospital and received the results of a CT scan in the emergency room. We weren’t sure at the time what exactly it would mean for Mom, but we had no idea that cancer would rage through her body so quickly. I didn’t want to be around anyone for most of the day today. Not even my immediate family. I just needed to be alone. The journey of grief, at least in my life, is very much akin to a roller-coaster ride. There are times when you feel like you are doing well, and then, when you least expect it, you take a nose-dive.

As I was spending time alone in my thoughts and prayers, I decided to read through some comments and condolences on Facebook. We have received hundreds of comments and I have not been able to read very many at all (although I am so appreciative of each one). It was therapeutic for me to read all of the kind and thoughtful words shared by so many people. Mom touched a lot of lives, and I am so thankful that the Lord used her in such a way.

I also spent some time today processing and journaling my thoughts. I have been journalling since I was 8 years old, and I have stacks and stacks of handwritten journals that document my life for many years. I have never shared those pages with anyone...not even my own family. But when I am going through difficult times, I take out those journals to look back and see where God has brought me from. I could not get through any of this without the Lord. I'm not sure how people cope when they don't go to Jesus. I have let Him down so many times, but He is such a loving Father and has picked up my pieces and carried me through my darkest valleys.

I have been singing a song over and over today that takes me back to another dark valley in our lives. In February of 2004, my husband and I found out that I was pregnant with twins. We were so excited! I was only 10 weeks along when their little hearts stopped beating. I remember desperately searching the ultrasound screen hoping, praying, believing for a glimmer of hope. But, there was no movement. We prayed and believed for their healing for another couple of weeks, but sadly, the twins did not make it. Our hearts were broken. I look back and see that I did not take the proper time to grieve, and felt I just had to press through. I remember leading worship that next Sunday; not sure how to feel, or what to believe. But I started singing, “Worth It All” by Rita Springer: “I don’t understand your ways, oh but I will give you my song…you hold on to all my pain, and with it you are pulling me closer…it’s going to be worth it all.” I sang out of my pain, and those words, that one day it will be worth it just to see Jesus, brought me such peace and comfort in that dark valley. We now have a beautiful hope of seeing our twins in heaven one day.

Heaven is sounding sweeter all the time. I now have a hope of seeing Mom again as well. Until that day, we wait, we cry, we pray, we heal.

I'm not sure why I share this with you all. I’m not sure why I am inviting strangers into the most vulnerable and painful moments in my life. Maybe there is a reason? I don’t know. All I do know is that the Lord will take what the enemy meant for evil and will turn it around for good. I believe one day soon we will see the end from the beginning, and all the trials we go through on this earth will one day be worth it all.