Homesick For Heaven

This has been a wild week for winter storms. Last Wednesday we had 75 cms dumped in our community. We were literally buried under the mounds of snow. Now, we have another major storm upon us, and I’m hunkered down again at the moment in our house just waiting it out. Not sure where all the snow is going to go!

I have had a bit of a strange week — extremely busy and productive, but mentally and physically exhausted at the same time. I have literally crashed every night; unable to even write. I don’t know if it is grief, aging, weather, or a mix of all three. But, the Lord is giving me strength to get through each day…one day at a time. I am truly thankful that our family made it through last weekend in particular. I know that it was only the Lord who helped us through. Just over a week ago, last Saturday — Valentine’s Day — would have been Mom and Dad's 56th anniversary; and Dad’s 78th birthday was the next day. This was the first anniversary for Dad without Mom, and his first birthday without her. It was a sad day on Saturday. Valentine's Day was always so special for our family. Every year we would have a Valentine’s gathering at the church and celebrate their anniversary. This was the first time for as long as I can remember that we didn’t have such an event. It was an empty-feeling sort of day. I missed the gathering, and I certainly missed Mom.

I was thankful when my head hit the pillow that night that the day was over. Sunday had a different vibe to it. Although Dad had just experienced a very difficult day, he was worshipful, hopeful, and had a strength that could only be supernatural in nature from heaven above. We felt the presence of God in a powerful way during the services, and when our evening service was over, we had a very quiet birthday celebration with just the family. As Sunday night came to a close, I breathed another sigh of relief that we had made it through those two ‘firsts’ with the Lord leading and strengthening us.

Then, Monday happened.

On Monday I had to head to the mall to have an electronic device serviced. While I was waiting, I decided to go to one of Mom’s favourite stores. There was a huge sale on and I found a couple of items there that I decided to buy. My thoughts were on Mom the entire time that I was there, and I felt such a deep sadness. When I checked out, I blurted out to the lady at the cash, “Mom would have loved these sales right now,”; as if she knew us…which she didn’t. I turned to leave and I couldn’t hold it in any longer. The tears began to flow. I tried to control it until I reached my car, and then I sobbed the whole way home. It was as if a dam had burst inside of me. It has been almost 3 months since Mom passed, and I realized that day that I still have deep places of grief inside. Sometimes those moments come when we least expect or want them to. I have learned that it is much more healing to allow the tears to flow, than to push down those feelings.

Throughout the past couple of months since Mom’s passing, much of what we have experienced has been numbing in a way. Almost like it is not real — like we are living in some sort of horrible dream. But, over the past couple of weeks, reality is hitting a little differently. I tend to cry more, and reminisce more, as we are trying to live out our ‘new normal’. I had always heard that there are stages to grief, and now I am living it. I have experienced shock, numbness, disbelief, pain, anguish, sadness; just to name a few of the emotions. The days are getting easier, but the pain of separation is still very real. It is has been said that time heals all wounds. I don’t necessarily believe that. My belief is that time doesn’t heal, but that Jesus in time does.

Now when I think of Mom, not only do I remember our times together throughout the years, but I also think about where she is and what she must be experiencing. It brings me such hope and peace. She is in the presence of the Lord, free from the cares of this old world.

The older I get, the more I long for my heavenly home. I have felt the touch of Jesus many times throughout my life. His touch brings so much joy, love, and peace. But that is only a glimpse of what we will experience in the fullness of His presence. Psalm 16:11 says, “You will show me the path of life; in Your presence is fullness of joy; at Your right hand are pleasures forevermore.” We cannot even comprehend the eternal joy and pleasure that we will experience when we meet our Saviour face to face in heaven. Nothing can compare to what waits for us in that land.

There is a song by Phil Wickham called “Homesick for Heaven” that plays over and over in my mind. On days like today, when the wind is howling and the snow is continually falling, I close my eyes and imagine what heaven will be like with our loved ones and our Lord and Saviour there. This earth is temporal. I know that I must live, work and continue on for the Kingdom of God to fulfill the Lord’s purpose for my life, but as Phil Wickham so aptly wrote in his song, “there’s an ache in my heart, I’m homesick for heaven.” What a day that will be!