Do Not Lose Hope

This year has been a tough one. The battles that our family have gone through have been relentless. It seemed like we would get through one battle long enough to catch our breath, and then be thrust into the midst of another one. But nothing could prepare me for the ultimate battle that we have just recently endured, and are still living out at the moment.

Today has been a day of disbelief. When we were in the midst of the storm with Mom, we were shut away from the world and felt like we were on the frontlines of a war. We would take breaks from the fight long enough to catch a couple of hours sleep, and then we would battle on. When you are actively engaged in a battle, whether physical or spiritual, you are focused, determined, and full of grit — your adrenaline and resolve keep you going. But when the battle ended last night in Room 231 as Mom breathed her last, everything changed. The adrenaline was no longer there; the resolve now gone. Today we have been physically weary and brokenhearted. But we remain steadfast spiritually, and walk in the peace that passes all understanding.

Grieving looks different for everyone. My response to grieving in the past was to press forward and keep myself busy. That is great…to a point. When I miscarried our twins in 2004, I realized many years later that I didn’t allow myself enough time to grieve properly. I just kept on working and kept on going. A part of me needed to be vulnerable, raw, and broken, but in my haste to ‘get back to normal life’, I pushed down an important part of me that needed time and healing. It wasn’t until 9 years after my miscarriage that I allowed that part of me that was pushed down to grieve properly.

Now I enter into a new time of grief. My mom was more than a mom to me. She was my confidant, my Florida buddy, my shopping partner, my go-to for anything and everything. Already I have had to stop myself from picking up the phone to call or text her. It is going to be hard to settle into this new normal. We know that Mom is cheering us on from the portals of glory. We will press on and reach out to as many people as we can with the saving knowledge of Jesus Christ, not only for Jesus, but for Mom as well.

For today, we hurt, we cry, we grieve, but we do not lose hope. We keep our eyes fixed on Jesus who will help us ride out this storm.